Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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