I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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