we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
