I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
