great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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