Dude my mom stole all your condoms
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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