I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
