you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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