i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
