no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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