i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
