We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
