You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
