I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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