Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
