I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
