so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
