Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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