My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
