I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
