totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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