We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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