Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
wow bdsm is so cute
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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