Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize