i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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