exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
