in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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