She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
