All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
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Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
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