For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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