Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
