I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
