I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
