Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
