guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
vagina is talking i cant
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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