Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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