why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
