Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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