1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
