If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
