She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
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