he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
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We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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