Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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