Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
