I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
