Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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