I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
