Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
