I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
