"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
