I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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