Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
