Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
